A Grand Plan

I've been experiencing great discouragement lately. It really makes me angry when I feel this way. I want to be a joyful person, not a mopey, melancholy individual. In living with chronic pain, I think that this is the biggest obstacle-the day to day battle of not giving up ground and relinquishing myself to the pain. It's a physical and spiritual battle.
I had surgery last October to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted to help with pain control in my legs. I approached this with as much optimism as I could muster, wanting to send nothing but "positive vibes" to my body to accept this newest soldier I've enlisted to help send my pain into retreat. But it is just one soldier, not the knight in shining armor I was hoping for. But-I'm still glad to have it in my stockpile of ammo to fight the battle with.
But some days, it's just plain too much. It's been cold and dreary, and my body is most definitely feeling old and weary. Pardon the rhyming. Old foes of depression and negativity are standing on my stoop, and I've become exhausted trying to keep them from breaking through the front door. But as for today, I've been given a gift. Sitting by a crackling fire, watching soft snow fall, and listening to my old dog wheeze a little in his sleep. Peace and quiet, content for at least this morning.

I've been reading my way through the Psalms, drawing on the strength that David found in his journey on this earth. He went through a lot, and I love him for that. He was never afraid to tell God about his fears, doubts, pain-you name it. David laid it all out there like no other. This brother also knew how to praise God too. Even in the middle of incredible pain and anguish.
I am drawing strength this morning from Psalm 139. Verses 13-18. Well known verses that I've read many times. But this morning part of my gift was to see something with fresh vision, just what I needed for the here and now of my life.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes SAW my unformed body. ALL the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

These past years that have had a mulititude of pain and sorrow for me were already written down. God did not just know that I would experience all these things, they were even noted ahead of time. I think it may look something like this:

"In the years 2003-??, Sandi is going to hit a rough patch. She's going to experience some difficult days, a whole bunch of them. It'll be hard for her, but I'm going to be able to really teach her a lot during this time. Set a reminder, she's really going to need us then." -God

If God ordained these days for me, then I will accept them. It's not easy every day, but he knows what's coming next. He is here with me, just as he's been all along. It's ALL a part of his Grand Plan for me, and he already knows the whole story. There is a lot of peace in that. A lot of peace.